Summer has me hot and bothered

THREE hot days and it appears that summer is over.

The Bosch could plough through a dense lawn as if invading Western Europe but the Flymo is a delicate piece of kit by comparison - more a Sopwith Camel than a Tiger tank - and you need to use it frequently to keep the grass down to a reasonable cutting level.I've tried that stuff that you put down to stop it growing and no, I don't mean a roll of lino. It's one of those garden products that you spread that, within three days, is supposed to stunt its ambitions and make it greener.In the meantime, every moment there is a break in the clouds, I'm heaving out the Flymo and making a quick pass over the top lawn.We've actually got a fan but it turns like a radar dish looking for enemy aircraft and makes a noise like a Messerschmitt on each pass. This can be a bit unnerving if you are watching television or trying to get to sleep.Come on summer, make a return. Prove the met men right for once and I'll even buy a barbecue and a garden shower. I'll even play Agadoo. Honest.The other thing I'm not happy about when it comes to the weather is the state of my grass. What with all this rain it's growing.I'm not sure if I put it on right but I have a big dead patch surrounded by sprouting turf that looks like its competing in the free growing section of the garden Olympics.Where is all that barbecue weather that the meteorological experts forecast? On the strength of what they promised, I bought two new pairs of shorts and was tempted by a garden shower, for when the sun gets too fierce, and a new fan. No, not someone who wants my autograph but one of those big things that stands in a corner and throws out a cool breeze.My old lawn mower was a big brute of a Bosch, so you can see why I had a Messerschmitt fetish, but it died on me the other week. No more German technology, I vowed, and opted for a lightweight British Flymo.The garden shower was a neat device I saw in Lidl or Aldi, one of those stores that quite often stocks the unusual, like green chillies stuffed with Greek cheese or pigs ears in aspic. All it consisted of was a sprinkler on the end of a free standing metal frame to which you attached your garden house but the concept was brilliant.A paddling pool in your back garden, play Agadoo by Black Lace on the stereo and one of these and you could close your eyes and think of Benidorm.

Come on summer, make a return. Prove the met men right for once and I'll even buy a barbecue and a garden shower. I'll even play Agadoo. Honest.